


It's hurting inside (can you help me?)

by FourOhFour_Error



Series: Four's Dousy One Shots [1]
Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: F/M, One Shot, Sad with a Happy Ending, Self-Harm, sad and fluffy, slightly fluffy, trigger warning: self-harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-03
Updated: 2020-09-03
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:53:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26273656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FourOhFour_Error/pseuds/FourOhFour_Error
Summary: What do you do when the man you like finds out about your scars, and not just the ones on the inside, but the ones marking your body forever?Daisy has been struggling with self-harm since Lincoln’s death, how will Daniel react when he sees it.Trigger Warning: Self-Harm
Relationships: Skye | Daisy Johnson/Daniel Sousa
Series: Four's Dousy One Shots [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1908946
Comments: 9
Kudos: 95





	It's hurting inside (can you help me?)

**Author's Note:**

> **I should warn again that there is self-harm in this fic.**
> 
> This is not a situation I take likely. As a person who struggles with self-harm myself, I was careful with what I wanted to write, and I put a lot of thought into this before posting.
> 
> Rating is teen for self-harm.
> 
> This work is unbetaed, so sorry for any mistakes.  
> Anyway, I hope you enjoy, and please, take care of yourself.

It’s over, they won. The Chronicoms are no longer a problem, and Malick is dead. For the first time in weeks, Daisy feels like she can breathe properly again.

They’ve been staying at the Lighthouse for the past few weeks now, just until they can get everything sorted out. On their first night after the mission, Daisy got to meet her niece, little Alya. She burst into tears when she first saw the mini Fitzsimmons in Fitz’s arms, and when the little girl reached out to her, calling her “Auntie Daisy”.

That was also the night she and Daniel had a chance to properly talk about their kiss. She remembers the long hours they spent in her bunk talking about everything and nothing, until their eyes got too heavy and they fell asleep side by side on her bed. The next morning Daniel apologized for his ungentlemanly behaviour, which made Daisy laugh. He’s such a square. The next night though, they did it again, and it’s become an unspoken agreement between them, having him share her bed.

A few days ago, Fitzsimmons told them that they are retiring, which didn’t come as a surprise. Daisy cried when she hugged both of them for one last time before they left. It didn’t help that Mack had to leave soon after, to take care of SHIELD business elsewhere, and of course Yoyo followed him. Which left Coulson and May, who wanted to enjoy their time off for a little while longer, so they stayed. Daniel and Kora didn’t have any plans to go their separate ways, and the heavy weight in Daisy’s chest lifted slightly when she realized she won’t be completely alone.

* * *

Daisy walks down the hallway towards the bathroom, lost in thought. It feels strange, being able to go a day without having to worry about the next mission. As nice as it is, having so much time on her hands, it also feels like she is going stir-crazy. She wants to get out, having spent too much time in these bland hallways.

She reaches the bathroom, and it is empty inside, which she’s thankful for. She heads towards the shower and turns the water on, letting it heat up. Stripping down, she steps into the scalding hot water, sighing in delight. She’s missed hot water. Back on the Zephyr, there was warm water, but it was never quite warm enough.

Standing under the stream, she glances down at her body, at the faint bruises still littering her skin. Most of the bruises she got from fighting Malick is gone, but she still has a few barely visible yellow bruises on her skin. Beneath them, a part of her she hoped to forget shows itself. Scars litter her thighs and arms, the makeup she uses to cover up the scars on her arms washing away with the water. She stares at the damage done by her own hand, reaching down and lightly touching one of the deeper, longer scars on her thigh.

_Why did I do this to myself?_ She asks herself. Shaking her head, she looks away in disgust, quickly finishing up before turning the water off and stepping out, wrapping a towel around her to hide what she doesn’t want to see.

Grabbing the pair of sweatpants and an oversized black hoodie – she’s pretty sure it used to belong to Mack, who could no longer wear it since it shrunk in the dryer – she brought with, she gets dressed quickly, not even bothering with socks or shoes before making her way to her bunk.

Inside her bunk, Daniel is already in bed, leaning against the headboard with a book on his chest. He looks up when she enters, giving her a soft smile. She shuts the door behind her, and shuffles over to the bed, throwing her dirty clothes into the ever growing pile in the corner. Daniel gives her a look, which she chooses to ignore as she tries to clamber over him, giving up halfway and groans before plopping down face first into the mattress, her legs hanging off the bed and over Daniel’s thighs. The man in question just chuckles softly. How he puts up with her, she doesn’t know.

“You tired?” He questions.

“Mmmhmm.”

Daniel places his book on the small table beside him, and helps her get under the covers, before switching the light off, plunging the room in darkness. He slides down until his head is resting on the pillow. Daisy moves closer to him, and he wraps his arm around her as she settles her head on his chest.

With Daniel holding her, what she saw in the bathroom seem irrelevant now.

Daisy wakes up to Daniel running his fingers up and down her arm, drawing meaningless patterns. When Daniel sees she’s awake, he stops his motions.

“Hey.” He says, voice still rough from sleep.

“Hi.” She replies. “I really want to kiss you right now, but, morning breath.” She mutters, and Daniel chuckles, leaning down and pressing a kiss to her forehead.

“That should suffice for now.”

“For now.” She repeats. Pushing herself up completely, she climbs over him, almost falling off the bed with her sluggish movements, thankfully Daniel keeps her steady until her feet finds the floor.

“Are you hungry?” Daniel asks after a few moments of silence, as Daisy is picking up the dirty clothes she threw into the corner last night.

“If you’re making, then yes.” Daisy says over her shoulder. Who would have thought that the Chief of the Area 51 SHIELD base was such an excellent cook?

After Daniel leaves her bunk, she gets dressed in a pair of leggings, a tank top and throws on a sweater as well, feeling the slight chill in the air. She makes her way to the kitchens, where Daniel is already standing by the stove. She watches him for a moment, as he opens every cabinet trying to find the right ingredients, working comfortably around the kitchen. Walking over to him, she leans against the counter. “Anything I can help with?”

“You can cut the tomatoes.” He smiles, passing her a knife, leaning down at the same time and pressing a quick kiss to her lips. She grins shyly at him, rolling up her sleeves, and starts cutting the vegetables. They work side by side, teasingly bumping each other every now and then. She grabs the cutting board and uses the knife to push the sliced up tomatoes into the pot on the stove.

He gives her the wooden spoon, asking her to stir the sauce in the pot. She doesn’t know what he’s making, but it smells delicious, and her stomach grumbles in agreement.

“Can you throw the onions in?” Daniel asks her as he whisks the eggs, and she leans across him, grabbing the bowl of onions on his opposite side, and dumping it all into the pot.

She doesn’t notice that Daniel has stopped, and when she looks up, she sees him staring intently at the pot with an expression on his face that she can’t decipher. Following his line of sight, she realizes he’s not looking at the pot, but at her arm, where the scars littering her arm are on full display.

Her breath hitches, feeling a pit forming in her stomach. How could she forget about the scars? She’s been so good at hiding it, it’s become like second nature to her, yet today she forgot, and now it’s visible for Daniel to see. She glances up at him, trying to figure out his expression. His face is impassive, but there’s a hint of concern and something she can’t decipher in his eyes.

Grabbing the sleeve of her hoodie, she pulls it down, hiding the damage. She feels the familiar feeling of anger bubbling inside her. Not anger for Daniel, no, this is anger for herself. Angry that she didn’t remember to cover it up. Angry that she let him see the worst of her. Angry that she did this to herself.

“Daisy–“ Daniel begins, his voice soft.

She doesn’t give him a chance to finish, because she turns around and basically runs out of the room.

She hides in her room, tears falling freely down her cheeks. She doesn’t even try to stop the sobs escaping her lips. She sits against the door, covering her face with her hands.

_What does he think of me now?_ She asks herself. He saw the worst of her, and she blames herself for what he saw. There’s no way he’s sticking around now. _Nobody wants a damaged person._ One of the nuns used to tell her whenever a family sent her back.

Daniel knew she had baggage, but she knows he didn’t expect this. How will she be able to face him, knowing that whenever he looks at her, he’ll always be reminded of the scars on her skin.

She wipes the tears rolling down her cheeks away aggressively. She knew she shouldn’t have gotten close to him, knew it was too good to be true when he told her he wants to be that someone who picks her up whenever she runs into the walls.

She feels the anger turn to hate inside her, hate for herself. _This is where it all starts._ She thinks bitterly.

Even though she knows she’ll regret this later, she gets up from the floor, pulling her sweater off on her way to the cabinet where she keeps her toiletries. Grabbing the small bag, she pulls the zipper open and grabs the razor sitting at the top. Sitting down on the cold floor, her back against the wall, she stares at the razor for a second before bringing it down to her arm, slowly pulling the blade against her skin, watching the skin rip apart and blood pour out.

She doesn’t know how long she goes on like this, but when she looks again, both her arms are covered in red, angry gashes, blood seeping from the wounds, dripping onto her lap.

She drops her arm to her lap, releasing her grip on the razor, suddenly feeling very tired. Closing her eyes as she drops her chin to her chest, she feels unconsciousness taking over.

She wakes up to persistent knocking on her door, but she makes no move to get up. The newly made cuts on her arms are still slowly bleeding, and she knows she’ll need to do something soon or else she’ll lose too much blood.

The knocking continues, and a voice calls out to her. “Daisy, are you in here?” Daniel’s muffled voice sounds from behind the door. Daisy looks up in shock; he’s still here? Why is he knocking at her door?

“Daisy, I’m coming in.”

Daisy tries to jump up, but her head starts spinning, and she leans against the wall as her vision darkens. She wants to tell him not to come it, that she’s fine, but she’s too late. The door opens, and Daniel walks in, his eyes finding her immediately. His eyes drift downward, to her blood soaked arms. Through bleary eyes she can see the concern and fear in his eyes, but the rest of his face is blank, and she can’t figure out what’s going through his mind right now.

He lifts up the small medical box and a wet cloth in his hand, and nods towards the bed. Daisy wordlessly shuffles over, sitting down with a wince. Daniel sits down beside her, holding out his hand. She slowly places her hand in his, and he gives her a small reassuring smile before gently touching the first cut with the wet cloth. Daisy hisses, jerking her arm, and Daniel stops, waiting patiently for her. She gives a small nod, and he continues dabbing at the cuts.

The hand holding her own squeezes gently in a comforting gesture, and he draws circles with his thumb over her knuckles, trying to distract her from the pain.

“How did you know?” She asks hoarsely, unable to take the silence any longer. Daniel keeps his attention on her arms, slowly cleaning the blood away.

“After you left, I knew you needed some space.” He explains, his voice soft and calm. “That was until May came running in, telling me she can feel something’s wrong with you.”

She looks down regrettably, how could she forget that May can feel her pain.

“She wanted to come here herself, but I asked her to let me come instead.” He adds.

Once her arms are free of any blood, Daniel grabs a bandage from the kit, and begins wrapping her arm, from wrist to elbow. Once finished, he moves on to her other arm, doing the same, working with so much care and gentleness that she feels tears threatening to fall. How does he do that, surprise her time and time again?

“It’s not too deep, thankfully, so, you won’t need any stitches.” He tells her, tucking the end of the bandage in. He doesn’t let go of her hand though, instead turns her hand face up and rubs soothing circles on her palm.

“Why are you doing this?” She questions, wiping away the tear on her cheek. Daniel’s hand stops its movement, and he looks up at her, tilting his head slightly.

“Because you don’t have to do this alone.”

She doesn’t know how to reply to that, so she lets silence fill the room. She looks up at Daniel, and he gives her a soft smile. She pulls her hand away, crawling backward until her back is against the headboard. She pulls her knees up to her chest, like it can protect her from the dangers of the outside world. Daniel doesn’t move, just turns his body to face her.

“Do you want to talk about it?” He asks. Daisy can’t meet his eyes. It always starts like this. They ask if she wants to talk about it, and if she does, they’ll always try and fix her problems, like it’s a car that needs repairs.

Daniel can’t read her mind, but right now, it feels like he can. “I’m not trying to fix your problems. I know what’s it like, to talk about it, then have someone come and try to fix you, like you’re a machine that can be fixed with a spanner and some oil. That’s not what I’m trying to do, I’m just here to listen, if you want to talk.”

Daisy looks up at him in shock, she was not expecting that. There’s not a day that goes by where he doesn’t surprise her. He’s been proving to her time and time again that he’s not like most men she knows, and this just builds up his case.

Daisy looks down at her lap, she realizes that she wants to tell him. She’s never wanted to share her burdens, always saying it’s her own to carry, but with Daniel staring intently at her, the small smile on his lips, she feels that, yes, she wants to tell him.

She takes a deep breath, mentally counting to ten before beginning.

“It started after Lincoln died.” Daisy’s voice shakes as she begins. “He was an inhuman, too. He helped me learn to control my powers. We… We fell in love, even though I was never brave enough to tell him that I loved him. Things happened, and I messed up, bad. I was ready to pay for my mistakes, but he took my place. He saved me… He saved the world.”

She takes a deep breath, wiping the tears off her face. “I left the team after he died. I was lost, and I had all this pain inside me, I didn’t know what to do. One night, I was in a motel room, when I saw the razor on the sink, and I began thinking… I–“ She stops, finding difficulty with the words. Daniel scoots closer to her, reaching out to touch her knee, but stops, silently asking permission if he can touch her. She nods once, and he places his hand on her knee.

“Do you want to stop?”

Daisy shakes her head, wiping more tears away. “No, I want to tell you.” Daniel nods, giving her an encouraging smile.

“I began thinking what if I hurt myself enough, maybe the pain of his death would go away. So, I did it, and it felt good. It got to the point where I could no longer feel my arms, only then did I stop. I only felt the pain from the cuts, not from his death, and it made me feel better.

That was until it felt like someone threw a bucket of cold water over my head, and I realized what I’ve done, but by then, the damage was already done. I told myself I would never do it again, but a few weeks later, a lead I was following led me back to the team, and all the pain I caused them came back full force, only this time, I knew how to get rid of it.”

She ends with a sniff. Finding the courage to look up at the man before her, she sees his expression isn’t one of pity, but understanding.

“And you don’t know how to stop.” He says softly.

“I thought I knew.” She replies, looking down at her arms. “Guess that’s just one more thing I can’t do.”

“Hey, don’t do that.” He says, leaning forward so that she’ll look into his eyes. “You can do anything you set your mind to. I’ve seen it. Just because you didn’t succeed the first time doesn’t mean you give up and accept that you’ll never be able to stop.”

Daisy feels the tears falling down her cheeks, and Daniel reaches out, swiping his thumb over her cheek. “Just because you don’t know how to stop now, doesn’t mean you’ll never know how to stop. The battles we face will do anything to tear us down, but we learn from our mistakes, and face the next battle with the knowledge to win.”

Daisy lets a sob her lips, unable to keep it in anymore, and Daniel engulfs her in a hug, letting her cry against him. She wraps her arms around him, ignoring the slight sting at the movement. His heart beats against her ear, and she begins tapping her finger against his back in sync with the beating heart. When she gets to a hundred, she stops, and starts over again, until she feels herself calming down, taking deep, even breaths.

Pulling back, she immediately misses the comfort of his arms around her, his scent filling her nose. She sniffs, rubbing her eyes.

“Why are you so calm about this?” She whispers, glancing up at him. His brows furrow, and he gives her a questioning look.

“Did you want me to react differently?” He asks, and she shakes her head.

“No. I’m… I didn’t know how you’d react. I’m just wondering why you’re doing this for me. Why you’re not… I don’t know, disgusted by this.” She replies, lifting up her arms slightly.

Daniel is silent for a moment, looking lost in thought.

“Because I know what’s it like.” He finally says. Daisy’s brows furrow in confusion, before she realizes what he said. She gives him a questioningly look, silently asking the unspoken question, and Daniel gives her a small nod. He reaches down and grabs the hem of his shirt, hesitating for a moment, before lifting it up slightly, enough for her to see the disarray of scars littering his stomach, all varying in size and length, some are thick and stand out sharply against his skin, others are pale thin white lines barely visible. Daisy wants to gasp, but she holds in it. She unconsciously reaches out a hand to touch it, but stops when she realizes what she’s doing, and starts pulling back.

“It’s okay.” Daniel reassures her, giving her another nod. She reaches out, and softly touches one of the bigger scars. Her fingers gliding over the raised skin on his abdomen.

“After the war, I didn’t know what to do. I came home a cripple with PTSD, and it became too much.” He tells her sadly.

“How long–“ Daisy begins, not needing to finish her sentence, because he knows what’s she’s asking.

“Three and a half years.” A small smile forms on his lips as he replies. Three and a half years since he last put a blade to his skin. Three and a half years he has been winning this battle. Daisy lets her fingers stay for a few seconds longer before pulling back, dropping her hands back into her lap.

Taking a deep breath, Daisy looks up at Daniel, watching as he stares past her head at the wall behind her. He blinks, shaking his head slightly, before meeting her eyes.

“How are you feeling?” He asks softly. No matter what, he’s always so attentive towards her needs and wellbeing, and she knows she’s falling more and more in love with him as time passes. She’s not ready to say those three little words yet, but one day, she might find the courage to tell him.

“I’m tired. Really, really tired.” Daisy replies, looking back down at her lap, playing with the blanket beneath her. Even if it’s still morning, and they woke a few hours ago, this whole situation has drained her energy completely.

Daniel moves silently, getting up and grabbing the sweater she threw on the floor earlier, and passes it to her. He reaches down and unties his laces as she pulls the hoodie over her head, careful not to agitate the cuts on her arms too much. She pulls the blanket out from underneath her, and slides under. Daniel finishes taking off his shoes and slides in under the blanket as well. Daisy wants to tell him how grateful she is that he’s here with her, that he knows she doesn’t want to be alone right now, but the words won’t form on her lips, so instead she moves over so that she’s laying in his arms, her arms tucked between them. He pulls the blanket up to their shoulders, and drops his arm over her middle, pulling her in tighter, pressing a soft kiss to her head.

“Can you promise me something?” Daniel asks, seriousness in his voice. Daisy nods against his chest. “Next time you feel… the urge to do it, will you remember that you can come talk to me, anytime.”

“I’ll try.” It’s the best she can do. This isn’t something she can easily overcome, and she knows her first instincts won’t be to go talk to him, but she’s going to try, she wants to try. She closes her eyes, knowing that when she opens them again, Daniel will still be there.

She might be messed up, and yes, she has more issues and baggage than most people twice her age, but for once in her life, she’s not alone in this, not anymore. With Daniel by her side, she feels like this is a battle she can win.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, this has been quite an emotional one for me to write.
> 
> You can find me on tumblr, at fourohfour-error.
> 
> Okay, Bye :D


End file.
